Wednesday, April 11, 2007

"Nibbles" the rogue elephant seal: the Russian River's new mascot

He's huge, weighs 2,000 pounds, moves across water & land with supernatural speed, & eagerly bites tourists, surfers, kayaks & dogs on an indiscriminately egalitarian basis. Perhaps this elephant seal -- who has been lurking around the mouth of the Russian River for the past five years & has been nicknamed "Nibbles" by a local surfer who was one of his victims -- should be officially proclaimed as the official mascot of the Western shores of the Russian River.

For more information on this rogue seal, please read Bob Norberg's article in yesterday's issue of the Press Democrat.

Sure, Nibbles attacks cute little harbor seal pups, local dogs, experienced surfers & stupid tourists with a cheerful disregard for conventional just war theory. We would need to hire a skillful public relations firm in order to rehabilitate his abysmal public approval ratings. Perhaps we could also raise funds for a bit of plastic surgery for Nibble's large & distinctively unattractive schnozz. Or, we could take pages from Barbra Streisand's & Jimmy Durante's books & celebrate Nibble's proboscis until it becomes a cultural icon in & of itself.

But seriously, I strongly believe that NObody would mess with us if we had Nibbles, the Maverick Elephant Seal on our side. Would the Powers-that-Be even DARE continue allowing Santa Rosa to dump its treated sewage into our river if we brought Nibbles to the committee meetings? No WAY! The mere sight of our beloved Mascot -- draped in jewels & silks, with His immense folds of blubber overflowing the flat-bed truck in which we have transported Him, complete with a full suite of exotically- & richly-clothed servants exclusively employed for the purpose of cooling Him with ostrich & peacock plumes, spritzing Him with spring-fed mineral water from Calistoga, & hand-feeding Him with choice bits of wild-caught fresh salmon -- would be enough to make our County overlords cower & genuflect before Him & make numerous concessions which would be desirous to residents of the Russian River.

If we River Rats & Rattinas desire public restrooms in our parks, cessation of sewage dumping into our River, housing for the homeless, & various other amenities, the County will grant Us our wishes or suffer the Consequences. For they all know that Nibbles is capricious & always hungry for blood sacrifices. The dog merely served as a light appetizer, & now the rich, white flesh of County Officials is within easy & tempting reach ... ONLY the discreet interventions of our local "Seal Whisperer" can avert the carnage ... IF the Seal Whisperer chooses to do so.

Mwah hah hah ...

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