West County Buzz: My new monthly column for the “Russian River Monthly”

Woo hoo! My new "West County Buzz" column appears in the Russian River Monthly this month. Ugh! My new "West County Buzz" column got edited beyond recognition. Yeah, yeah, I'm overly prolix in my prose & my article weighed in just a few words over the word-limit allotted for my column space. Okay, a lot of words over the word-limit ...

*Sniff* Like any other writer, I feel utterly violated when my verbiage gets cut. Nonetheless, it's part of the game & I generally accept that. Especially since the editor, George Klineman, has good judgement. What I CANNOT accept is the COPY EDITOR randomly hacking off my first paragraph & thereby ruining my column. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes, & I've made some doozies in my time, & the copy editor usually does a good job, so I WILL get over it ...

In the meantime ... mwah ha ha ... Here is my revenge ... the original text of my upcoming column two days before you receive the paper, WITH the apparently offending first paragraph ...

WEST COUNTY BUZZ, February 2009

by Elisabeth Parker

WINDS OF CHANGE? Or is it the sound of the media’s collective flatulence as they fawn over Barack Obama? After whose inauguration, Representative Lynn Woolsey and her Washington colleagues toasted the new president at the Congressional Luncheon with Russian River bubbly from Korbel Champagne Cellars. Meanwhile Guerneville’s Tacqueria Tapatia served live inaugural coverage on a big-screen TV with their breakfast burritos …

Speaking of newly elected young whippersnappers facing major challenges, colleagues report that 5^th District Supervisor Efren Carrillo works 16-hour days, and doesn’t even drink coffee. “The favorite part of my job is knowing that I'll be playing a role in turning these challenges into opportunities,” says Carrillo, adding that, “The people I get to meet every day from all walks of life make this role very enjoyable.” His jam-packed schedule includes department briefings, meetings, communicating with constituents, speaking engagements, and site tours. “It’s amazing how we manage to fit that all in one day!” jokes Carrillo.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW: Carrillo recently appointed Pamela Davis of North Bay Corporation (Sonoma County’s garbage and recycling company) as the new planning commissioner, while local builder and activist Tom Lynch amply fills the vacant Zoning Board seat. “Efren’s great!” declares Lynch. “He’s such a breath of fresh air.” Lynch looks forward to focusing on creating “green-collar” jobs, encouraging energy conservation and promoting environmental sustainability.

Carrillo believes that rural areas like the Russian River are “at times forgotten.” He declares, “One priority for the Russian River is to make certain that local government works for them. There are many issues that we can tackle,” including water management, environmental health, conservation of waterways and other natural resources, building a strong local economy, providing adequate mental health and medical services, and creating affordable housing.

TOUGH TIMES: Meanwhile, outgoing Planning Commissioner Rue Furch joins the ranks of the unemployed … On the River, when the going gets tough, the tough work at Safeway. Like Rio Nido contractor Stan Groth, who started in January. “I like the people, and the pay is good,” says Groth … Speaking of jobs, Dan Coshnear, author of the award-winning short story collection, “Jobs and Other Preoccupations”, is featured in this month’s “North Bay Bohemian”. “It’s nice to be recognized,” says Coshnear. He lives in Guerneville with his wife and two children.

WAR ON TERROR: The so-called “Guerneville Safeway Terrorist” called in sicko to work on Jan. 6^th and threatened to shoot everyone. Managers shut the down the store for four hours until the suspect, a 45-year old Cazadero resident and (presumably former) Safeway employee, was taken into custody …

Curiously, the suspect targeted his fellow employees instead of the evil corporate masterminds of Safeway’s diabolical plot to drive customers insane with ongoing price increases, out-of-stock items, and random product relocation. He reportedly sought revenge after a manager reprimanded him in front of coworkers. So WHY was he released on bail nine hours later? Sergeant KevinYoung from the Sheriff’s Department explains, “His fourth amendment rights allow him to make bail.”

MARCH ON WASHINGTON: Meanwhile, the Monte Rio School’s eighth grade class is raising money for their upcoming Washington DC trip. Julie DeCarly (Shelby’s mother) states, “We’ve got a jam-packed itinerary … It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” Plans include visits to the Smithsonian, White House, Lincoln Memorial, and other attractions. But first, they need $20,000 …

“We’re a third of the way there,” says Allison Van Rillaer (Jocelyn’s mother), thanks to a flurry of fundraising events, including a successful New Year’s Eve bash at Duncans Mills’ newly re-opened Blue Heron, which raised $1300. Owner and fourth-generation local Jaime O’Bryan says he was glad to help. Dinner music, champagne and a one-night’s stay at the newly refurbished Timber Cove Inn for the silent auction were provided by Ralph and Michelle Higgins, Korbel Cellars, and general manager Kurt Piccilo.

ACT LOCALLY: Chuck Ramsey from the Monte Rio Community Alliance has good news for those concerned about the immense and unsightly pile of rubble blocking the Monte Rio’s Park and Ride and the entrance to Starrett Hill Drive. The Department of Transportation has made good progress since the retaining wall collapsed on Christmas Day due to heavy rains. “The [concrete] forms are up and Starrett Drive should be open by the end of March,” reports Ramsey, muttering, “It’s been a real pain getting home on Starrett Hill.” Apparently, the only other entrance is so narrow that drivers are required to do a three-point turn to get in and out … Alas, with the Park and Ride out of commission, carpooling isn’t an option.

MISCELLANEOUS TIDBITS: Valentine’s Day approaches and love is in the air … Or perhaps it’s the usual herbaceous aroma wafting from Kaya, Guerneville’s purveyors of coffee, tea & medicinal marijuana. Efren Carrillo looks forward to “spending Valentine’s Day at the Russian River Rotary’s Annual Crab Feed. I look forward to seeing many of you there!” Local celebrity Vira Burgerman (the California Mermaid) has moved her hair salon to downtown Guerneville. Rio Nido will soon have an organic community garden, thanks to a persistent band of neighbors and the Russian River Parks and Recreation department. Guerneville’s Kings and Queens vintage clothing shop is about to break Memories that Linger’s record for longest going-out-of-business sale ever. Last month, the “Going out of business sign” was joined by a smaller sign announcing, “Gone for Jan. Back in Feb.” Guerneville writer Lynn Millar exclaims, “I love that! We’re going out of business but now we need a month off!”

Valentine’s Day: The ideal romantic Date.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, an assortment of local personalities personalities have graciously shared their ideas of the “ideal romantic date” with Russian River Monthly readers:

• Efren Carrillo, 5^th District Supervisor: I’m spending Valentine’s Day at the Russian River Rotary’s Annual Crab Feed! I look forward to seeing many of you there! [Eeek! He's lucky he's not married!]
  
  
• Pamela Tinnan, Pastor, Guerneville Community Church: My favorite date with Zack [her husband] was when we stayed in Point Arena. We were in the hot tub on the beach drinking a glass of wine under the stars & had a view of the light house.
  
  
• Peter Andrews, KGGV FM DJ: I’d want to be in Paris sharing a meal in a bistro overlooking the Seine River.
  
  
• Valerie Hausman, Events Director, Russian River Chamber of Commerce: A picnic with a blanket & a picnic basket on a nice Indian summer day, feeding each other fresh grapes & strawberries.
  
  
• Owen Edwards, Entertainment Columnist & KGGV FM D.J.: I’d start by giving a knitting lesson, move on to a candle-light supper accompanied by a 2004 Merry Edwards [no relation] Pinot Noir, & finish with a triple cheesecake for dessert.
  
  
• John Blair, Photographer, Blair Studios: For guys, the ideal romantic date is whatever makes our significant other happy.
  
  
• Russian River Rattina, local blogger and dilettante: Dinner with my husband at Bert Rangel’s restaurant, the River’s End in Jenner, with a view of the ocean and a gorgeous sunset. Alas, I have champagne taste and beer bottle pockets.
  
  
• Lloyd Guccione, Community Activist: How about Mr. Bush and Mr. Bin Laden shaking hands and showing off a really big hug for the telly sitting in a nice kosher restaurant?

Ooh, we desperately need a Middle Eastern restaurant around here which serves affordable Kosher/Halal cuisine with locally-produced, organic ingredients & a drive-through so you can grab your falafel & hummos on the run. They'll call it Abdul Bernstein's Arab-Jewish Cafe & establish a new trend with their cutting-edge barbed wire decor. Lovely. Oh -- watch out for those pesky landmines.

What’s going on in your neighborhood? Please email Elisabeth Parker with news, gossip and tidbits at RussianRiverRattina @ gmail . com

River Rattina v.s. Dolan* the Evil Safeway Pharmacist

(*His real name has been changed)

Tune in for World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)’s new, exciting entertainment extravaganza, premiering this week at a Safeway near you: It’s wild, it’s violent, it’s rated PG13 … it’s … Russian River Rattina vs. Dolan the EEEEE-Ville Safeway Pharmacist! Place your bets before they go to the mats!

But seriously … is it just me, or does anyone else have unnecessarily frustrating experiences with the Safeway Pharmacy in Guerneville? Barbi’s awesome, of course. She’s friendly, efficient, & caring. There’s also another nice lady with light-brown, shoulder-length hair, whose name I don’t recall because I don’t often come by during her shift. Alas, these women can’t possibly work every single shift. And the guys they have filling in … ugh!

First there was the young man with Asian features who worked on Saturday, November 10^th. I attempted to get my prescriptions filled & wound up leaving empty-handed & so utterly frustrated because the man was so rude & utterly obtuse that my little rattikin stroked my hand & said, “Please don’t cry, mommy.” Apparently, several other customers found him to be rude & it doesn’t look like he’ll be coming back, thank gawd.

I came back on Tuesday the 13th hoping that Barbi would be there. She was, but alas, there were a lot of customers & I got stuck with Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist. He’s the tall, thin guy with wavy, graying hair who glares at you resentfully when some issue with your prescription requires him to actually use his brain. As is usual for River Rattina & her Little Rattikin when Dolan is at the counter, we wind up asking when he’ll be finished so we can do the rest of our grocery shopping (mind you, this is for prescriptions I had dropped off three days ago & they should have called me if they couldn't fill them).

We return to the counter 30 minutes later & the prescriptions STILL aren’t ready & my little rattikin is tugging at my sleeve begging to go home because it’s dinner time & she’s “starving” (though I must admit that it isn’t Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist’s fault that my daughter has a hollow leg & gobbles up what seems like three times her weight in food every day). Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist holds up a piece of paper with my signature for the missing prescription, glowers at me accusingly, & demands, “Is this your signature?” “Yes,” I replied, then explained that the pharmacist didn’t actually have the medications ready & I had walked away empty-handed. “You shouldn’t have signed for it then,” comes the sneering reply. “Well, I didn’t know he didn’t actually have it ready.” I explained. He keeps demanding in menacing tones, “IS THIS YOUR SIGNATURE?” I tell him that this isn’t helping to solve the problem at hand, & that I can’t go any longer without my refills.

This goes back & forth for what seems like FOREVER & I’m getting more & more frustrated & upset. I mean, does this guy think I’m trying to scam him for extra refills of Flonase & Albuterol allergy/asthma medications so I can sell them out on the street for recreational use? I raise my voice (& my voice carries rather loudly to begin with) in supplication to Barbi, who’s a few feet away, & plead, “Why does stuff like this keep happening?” She asks me to be patient & that they’ve had some people filling in, & we’ll get things straightened out. Alas, my daughter’s losing it & I am too. I’m on the rag, feeling hungry, cranky & crampy (I can't think of names for the other four dwarves), have a cold & have spent WAY too much time on this.

Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist then informs me that he isn’t going to help me any more, because he’s “FEELING THREATENED.”

!!!!!!!!!

If I weren’t feeling so danged ANGRY, I’d feel somewhat FLATTERED. After all, I’m a 5’6”-tall, middle-aged, overweight mom who teaches Sunday School at my church & he’s a tall, 30-ish male who towers over me, is behind a counter with sliding plexiglass doors, & who happens to be in possession of my asthma & antidepressant medications!!!! I'm a THREAT? Woo hoo! I’m so mad, I want to tell him, “Okay, let’s make a deal: You give me a break for being mentally unstable, I’ll give you a break for being mentally incompetent, & we’ll call it even!” But I don’t, because that wouldn’t be nice.

Thanks to the saintly Barbi, I finally walk away an hour later with my refills. She tries to calm me down, but I tell both her & Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist, “I have every right to be angry, this shouldn't keep happening, & I don’t appreciate being treated in such a rude manner.” He loftily replies, “I do not have to put up with this,” & I sharply retort, “Yes, actually, you DO, because you work here & are supposed to act like a professional. I’m going to report you to your supervisor.” Though, of course, I probably won't ever get around to it, because I do not know who his supervisor IS & honestly, it isn't WORTH it.

Mind you, I’ve worked as a receptionist, waitress, & cashier & hence try to be extra-nice to folks who deal with the public all day, because I know it’s hard & also because I'm normally a doormat type of person who really wants people to like me. Also, most of the folks who work at Safeway & around town are my friends, acquaintances & neighbors who work hard, do a good job & are nice -- especially to my daughter & children in general. But I do get angry when I feel that someone is annoyed with me & deliberately refusing to be helpful when they’re SUPPOSED to be trying to help me because it’s their job. The fact is: Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist just plain old doesn’t LIKE me for whatever reason & never has. Oh well, sometimes stuff like that happens.

From now on, I’m going to Lark’s Pharmacy so that Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist won’t spike my next refills with pepper spray.

GRRRRR! 22 hours have elapsed & I’m STILL steaming mad! My reasons for feeling TOTALLY TICKED OFF are as follows:

1. This sort of thing happens almost EVERY time I deal with anyone else but Barbi & the other lady;
2. This keeps happening with prescriptions I’ve already dropped off – sometimes a day or two before;
3. We’ve had the same doctors, health insurance & medications for well-over a year & refill these exact same prescriptions every 4-8 weeks. They should know the drill by now;
4. I try to be nice & offer to come back in 30 minutes whenever there’s a problem (they’re out of the medication, the doctor needs to call in a refill, or the mysterious & Zen-like “it won’t go through”), but when I return, my prescriptions STILL aren't ready;
5. There SHOULDN’T BE any problem because I dropped the danged things off TWO days ago & they could have called me or my doctor to fix the problem before I returned to pick them up; Actually, Barbi DID do that once last year & I was grateful; and
6. Nobody should EVER talk that way to a customer, even if I WERE actually being rude. If Dolan the Evil Safeway Pharmacist had truly felt “threatened” by little ol' me (BWAH HA HA!) , then he should have called security.
   

WHEW! Now I feel MUCH better. So much for my scolding Mr. Guccione & others at RRROC meetings for not always being civil with one another. I guess I'm a total hypocrite. You can take the gal outta New Yawk, but ya can't take the New Yawk outta the gal. I totally forgot that anger is illegal in the State of California. Whoops.