Rockin' Rio Nido, May, 2011

Rockin’ Rio Nido -- a monthly column for the Sonoma County Gazette
By Elisabeth Parker and Elena Chronis.

RNHOA Memorial Day BBQ kicks off summer season

We love the Rio Nido Home Owners Association (RNHOA)’s summer events in their picnic area. The Memorial Day BBQ on Sunday, May 29^th from 4-9 p.m. offers fun to kids and grown-ups alike. Enjoy a delicious chicken dinner, adult & kids’ beverages, bake sale desserts, kids’ talent show, mini-golf, music, dancing, marshmallow roast, and more! Also, look for the July 4^th & Labor Day BBQs, pancake breakfasts, and Art Festival!

Friends of Rio Nido (FRN) elects bored members.

Oops, we meant to say BOARD members. Neighbors elected Kim Holliday, John Uniack, Jennifer Ostrom, Matt Malik, and Marsee Henon for FRN’s board of directors. Congratulations! No mud-slinging occurred because only five neighbors ran for the five available openings, which greatly reduced this election’s entertainment value.

Support the RNHOA’s Proposal for Rio Nido’s Canyon 2 Entrance!

Following Rio Nido’s flat rejection of Dennis Judd’s development plans for “downtown Rio Nido,” the RNHOA and local business owners presented an alternative proposal at the Russian River Redevelopment Oversight Committee (RRROC) meeting on April 21^st. It requests funds for landscaping, public recreation areas, walkways, pocket parks, parking space, and legal protection from development,

Help jazz up our dingy fire hydrants!

The Friends of Rio Nido (FRN) Beautification Committee needs volunteers to paint our fire hydrants and stanchions (boundary poles) to enhance their appearance and visibility. If you’d like to help, drop by the Rio Nido Roadhouse’s parking lot on Saturday, May 21^st at 9:00 a.m. with sloppy clothes and a paintbrush. First-comers get to wear those fabulous day-glow yellow and orange safety vests (until supplies run out)! Special thanks to Matt Malik for organizing, and Sweetwater Springs for supplying the paint.

Pet of the month.

Elena created this new monthly feature, because she KNOWS how we Rio Nidans totally LOVE our dogs, cats, and other critters. Please contact us about YOUR pet. For now, here’s Jesse James, Elena’s adorable, playful, and rambunctious rottweiller pup. LOVES: Nice people, play-mates, bones, rolls of toilet paper. HATES: Mean people and cages.

Rumor has it …

A filmmaker has contacted Kim Link and Brad Metzger about shooting scenes for a movie at the Roadhouse. Celebrity chef, “slow food”movement pioneer, and advocate for ecologically sustainable gardening and culinary education plans a visit to the Guerneville School in honor of its innovative garden, environmental education, and nutrition curriculum.

Elisabeth Parker Bids Rio Nido a fond farewell.

After six-and-a-half years in this magically beautiful enclave beneath the redwoods and whimsical gaze of the RNHOA Pee Wee Minigolf’s “Winky Moon,” Elisabeth and her family are packing up for San Jose, where her husband now works. Alas, paying a 2004 mortgage in a 2011 economy, and only seeing her husband on weekends, makes no sense. She has enjoyed working with her neighbors to improve this already wonderful community, and is proud of the progress we’ve made together. If you’re interested in running her Russian River Rattina blog and the Rio Nido Neighbors community email list, please email her before she leaves on June 1^st.

West County Buzz, April 2009 (my column in the "Russian River Monthly"

West County Buzz, April 2009
by Elisabeth Parker

MY LAST "RUSSIAN RIVER MONTHLY" COLUMN !!!! ... SERIOUSLY ... READ MY FOLLOWING BLOG POST!

Too Good to Be True … On Apr. 1, 2009, Sonoma County Controller Rod Dole and the Board of Supervisors held a 9:00 a.m. press conference in front of the Employment Development Department (EDD) building in Santa Rosa to announce a moratorium on property taxes.

"Tough times call for tough choices." Dole proclaimed tearfully before a cheering throng of recently laid-off citizens filing unemployment claims. "Budget deficits have forced Sonoma County to cut back on tax collection services. For this, I deeply apologize from the bottom of my tiny, cold heart."

5th district supervisor Efren Carrillo elaborated, "My West County constituents demand innovative and cost-effective solutions to the complex economic and environmental challenges we face.”

April Fool! Alas, the County expects local residents to file and pay their taxes as usual.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can’t. Speaking of our tax dollars at work, nine local residents (who apparently believe themselves able to count) showed up at the Guerneville Library at 11:00 a.m. on March 3^rd to apply for $20 per hour jobs with the U.S. 2010 Census. These temporary positions require employees to go door to door and conduct interviews with anyone who happens to be home and isn’t brandishing a weapon.

First, Recruiter Robert Mitchell gave an overview of the job requirements and hiring process, then he passed out the rather lengthy application forms, which asked questions like whether applicants have served time in jail or held elective office (the former should apply for banking jobs). Catherine Young, a public relations consultant and member of the Russian River Redevelopment Oversight Committee (RRROC) asked, “Should I check ‘Yes’ here?” (for holding elective office, not serving time in jail). Alas, even Mitchell felt uncertain about whether serving on RRROC officially counts as holding an “elective office”.

Qualifications for census takers include a working vehicle, valid driver’s license, high scores on the 30-minute test, and the ability to correctly fill out copious quantities of forms. According to the www.2010Census.gov Web site, the Federal Government uses information gathered from households to allocate spending on public projects like roads, schools, public safety, parks, and housing. According to Mitchell, job-seekers with the highest test scores will be notified by the end of April. Since Young scored 98 out of a possible100 on the 30-minute, 28-question test, she’ll probably land one of these coveted jobs.

Exit, stage left … At least one person won’t be home when Young knocks on his door. Long-time resident John DeSalvio, who many folks regard as the suave and cheerful “Mayor of Guerneville”, will soon leave us after 28 years on the River. DeSalvio has served our community in various functions, including a recent stint on RRROC. He was also among the original founders of this publication when it launched 12 years ago, and continues contributing as managing editor, designer, and advertising sales representative.

I Left My Heart in … Downtown Burbank? DeSalvio cheerfully explains that he’s moving to Burbank, CA to join his boyfriend, Ross, and to pursue a new career in screenwriting, playwriting, and doing voice-overs. “I’m working with a few people on various projects,” notes DeSalvio, but can’t reveal anything more due to those pesky non-disclosure agreements. Friends can bid DeSalvio farewell at his 68^th birthday bash on May 8^th at Main Street Station in downtown Guerneville. For a modest cover charge of $5.00, the evening’s entertainment features DeSalvio singing pop standards and Broadway show tunes, and performances from other local talent including Kit Mariah and Lois Pearlman.

Outdoor Barbecue, rain or shine … Apparently, Vesta Copestakes of Forestville isn’t the only Russian River resident who revels in rain. On Saturday March 21, about 20 neighbors in Rio Nido gathered at Bruno Farnocchia Memorial Park at 4:00 p.m. for a potluck, barbecue and marshmallow roast in the pouring rain! Thanks to the tarps, which Domenic Farnocchia (the deceased Bruno’s grandson) and Matt Bedford cleverly hung from trees prior to the event, the majority of celebrants stayed reasonably dry. Notable exceptions consisted of local children, who – fueled with immense quantities of sugar after consuming burnt marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers – frolicked around the adjacent playground and shallow creek. “This is fun. We definitely needed to do this,” concluded Farnocchia.

Blast from the past: Here on the Russian River, even our water agency’s utilitarian booster station (which pumps our water supply uphill) in Guernewood Park has a colorful past. When asked why locals call the booster station “Handy Andy’s”, Sweetwater Springs Board Member Gaylord Schapp explained, “A handy man named Andy used to live there for years, above George’s Hideaway. He was a colorful character with lots of kids.” Since then, a fire destroyed the house. Handy Andy was also a popular toy tool kit from the 1950’s, which now fetches $69.99 and up on eBay. Later, “Handy Andy” evolved into a slang expression for poor or generic workmanship, similar to today’s “Home Depot Nouveau”.

West County Buzz: March 2009 (my column in the "Russian River Monthly"

West County Buzz: March, 2009

By Elisabeth Parker

Below, please find my "West County Buzz" column from the March 2009 issue of the Russian River Monthly, our local newspaper.

Into each life some rain must fall. It’s hard to enjoy this winter’s unusually sunny weather, with the threat of drought looming above like a non-existent rain cloud. Luckily, Forestville newspaper publisher and local rainmaker, Vesta Copestakes, took action. “My personal philosophy is that there’s nothing you can’t do something about,” Copestakes brightly asserts. In her Feb. 12 issue of the “West County Gazette”, Copestakes exhorted readers to “Think Rain”, posted messages online, and donned bright yellow rain gear (with a matching set for her dog). She even asked local Native Americans to perform a rain dance, but tribal representatives explained that rain dancing is a Plains Indian tradition.

The power of positive thinking. On Feb. 8, the Ocean Song Farm and Wilderness Center in Occidental hosted the rain dance, and the first drops fell that evening.. Led by Cho'Qosh Auh'Ho'Oh, a Coastal native elder, 100 participants from three tribes, Pagan groups, and nearby communities coaxed rain from the clouds with a ceremony, dances, songs, and poetry. A potluck supper concluded the evening. “It’s just wonderful that all these people came together,” exclaims Copestakes.

Coffee Bizarre and the spontaneous combusting vest. No rain fell on the bright morning of Jan. 22, when an unidentified woman’s vest caught on fire as she nodded off in front of Guerneville’s Coffee Bazaar with a lit cigarette (someone please tell Scotty the Barista to go light on the de-caf!). Mike Millar saved the day with his resourcefulness and the DVD he was returning to the Guerneville Library. Astonished onlookers gawked as Millar vigorously smacked the flames with the DVD, jolting the woman awake into a state of uncomprehending terror. “It was the funniest thing,” laughingly recalls an anonymous woman.

No news is good news. Meanwhile in Camp Meeker, “Things are dead quiet since the conflict over the cell phone tower,” reports Tom Austin. “Dead quiet” aptly describes a town with no cell phone reception. Verizon’s proposed cell phone tower on Morelli La. triggered acrimonious infighting, as residents craving cell phone service clashed with activists concerned about alleged health hazards posed by radio frequency radiation. In August 2008, an anonymous neighbor launched Fight the Tower, a Web site and blog (www.fightthetower.com).

Fear and loathing ... Tensions increased in the following weeks, culminating with angry reactions to a vicious Sept. 16 post likening Fred Meyer – a respected Camp Meeker Parks and Recreation Dept. board member and tower proponent – to Marie Antoinette. Meyer’s wife, Dani Sheehan Meyer, retorted, “This has got to stop.” Things finally simmered down when Verizon backed out of negotiations with CMPRD following a jam-packed town meeting on Oct. 22. Over 325 Camp Meeker residents (out of a mere 425 souls) had petitioned the Board to decline the proposed contract.

When beseeched for even the tiniest snippet of more recent news, Austin paused and then exclaimed, “Well, we’re happy about the rain!”

How many Sonoma County sheriffs does it take to not catch the “Guerneville Archer”? Apparently, an entire SWAT team. On Jan. 28, an arrow struck Monte Rio resident James McNeill on the head, launching a siege on the suspect’s home on Mill St. 29 hours and several canisters of tear gas later, law enforcement discovered that the suspect – 30-year-old Shaun Gallon – had flown the coop. A trained survivalist, Gallon remains at large with a $75,000 arrest warrant out for attempted murder.

Reign of error. Meanwhile, Capt. Matt McCaffrey evacuated the neighborhood, triggering mixed reactions from residents and business people. A local employee who requests anonymity, declared, “It seemed kind of stupid. They used all this high technology and none of it worked.” Amon Sharkey from the West Sonoma Inn reports, “I was working that day. We couldn’t leave because they were shooting tear gas, so I stayed at the front desk and booked reservations.” Jill De Proto of D&G Property Management found things to be a bit more interesting. “We were not evacuated, because we are located behind Bucks,” she explained. The phone rang off the hook with people asking for news updates, while folks from the SWAT team came in and out for water and bathroom breaks. De Proto was happy to help. “It was exciting. We were the ‘Hot Line’ for two days.”

Dejah Dorantes of Forestville jokingly inquires, “How would the Sheriff of Nottingham handle this situation?”

Miscellaneous tidbits. Speaking of Jill De Proto (who also serves as president of the Russian River Rotary Club), the wildly successful annual Valentine’s Day Crab and Pasta Feed attracted 250 hungry locals and completely sold out. “This was a very proud moment for the Rotary,” exclaimed De Proto. Proceeds from the dinner and silent auction will provide $1000 scholarships for graduating high school students. John Chapman (AKA “Milo” from KGGV FM) also reports that Herman Hernandez from Russian River Parks and Rec. debuted his striking new haircut which resulted from the donation of his locks at this event. “He looks like a skinhead,” laughs Chapman.

The following evening, Coffee Bazaar hosted the second annual “Love and Loathing on the River” poetry contest and reading. The winners were Christopher “Oak” Reinier (Guerneville), Deanna Hopper (Santa Rosa), and Shellee Harper Post (Monte Rio). Organized by Terri Carrion from Hemp & Chocolat, the event drew a lively crowd . “It was great,” enthused Barista Angelina Greep. “We had a big turnout with lots of people from all over the county. The poetry was eloquent.”

This column’s first response to the request for news items came from Stephen Gross, and was suspiciously entitled “[Bohemian] Grove to Open Gates to County Homeless.”

Alas, RRM’s legions of fact checkers proved unable to verify this spectacular act of generosity, or the part about a contract with an “organ donor clause” allowing the Grove to recover the costs of any property damage through the sale of organs. For the complete text of this humorous and “The Onion”-worthy article online, go to http://www.waccobb.net/forums/general-community/34117-bohos-open-grove-homeless.html.

OOOPS! CORRECTION REQUIRED: Vesta Copestakes did NOT dress her dog in a rain coat, even if she has a dog. When I saw the photograph of a woman & dog in matching raincoats in the February issue of the West County Gazette, I assumed that it was Ms. Copestakes & her dog & was informed that my assumption was WRONG. Mea culpa.

As the coach in that ancient but memorable movie, "The Bad News Bears" once stated so succinctly, "Never ASSUME anything, or you'll make an ASS out of U or ME."

West County Buzz: My new monthly column for the “Russian River Monthly”

Woo hoo! My new "West County Buzz" column appears in the Russian River Monthly this month. Ugh! My new "West County Buzz" column got edited beyond recognition. Yeah, yeah, I'm overly prolix in my prose & my article weighed in just a few words over the word-limit allotted for my column space. Okay, a lot of words over the word-limit ...

*Sniff* Like any other writer, I feel utterly violated when my verbiage gets cut. Nonetheless, it's part of the game & I generally accept that. Especially since the editor, George Klineman, has good judgement. What I CANNOT accept is the COPY EDITOR randomly hacking off my first paragraph & thereby ruining my column. Yeah, everyone makes mistakes, & I've made some doozies in my time, & the copy editor usually does a good job, so I WILL get over it ...

In the meantime ... mwah ha ha ... Here is my revenge ... the original text of my upcoming column two days before you receive the paper, WITH the apparently offending first paragraph ...

WEST COUNTY BUZZ, February 2009

by Elisabeth Parker

WINDS OF CHANGE? Or is it the sound of the media’s collective flatulence as they fawn over Barack Obama? After whose inauguration, Representative Lynn Woolsey and her Washington colleagues toasted the new president at the Congressional Luncheon with Russian River bubbly from Korbel Champagne Cellars. Meanwhile Guerneville’s Tacqueria Tapatia served live inaugural coverage on a big-screen TV with their breakfast burritos …

Speaking of newly elected young whippersnappers facing major challenges, colleagues report that 5^th District Supervisor Efren Carrillo works 16-hour days, and doesn’t even drink coffee. “The favorite part of my job is knowing that I'll be playing a role in turning these challenges into opportunities,” says Carrillo, adding that, “The people I get to meet every day from all walks of life make this role very enjoyable.” His jam-packed schedule includes department briefings, meetings, communicating with constituents, speaking engagements, and site tours. “It’s amazing how we manage to fit that all in one day!” jokes Carrillo.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW: Carrillo recently appointed Pamela Davis of North Bay Corporation (Sonoma County’s garbage and recycling company) as the new planning commissioner, while local builder and activist Tom Lynch amply fills the vacant Zoning Board seat. “Efren’s great!” declares Lynch. “He’s such a breath of fresh air.” Lynch looks forward to focusing on creating “green-collar” jobs, encouraging energy conservation and promoting environmental sustainability.

Carrillo believes that rural areas like the Russian River are “at times forgotten.” He declares, “One priority for the Russian River is to make certain that local government works for them. There are many issues that we can tackle,” including water management, environmental health, conservation of waterways and other natural resources, building a strong local economy, providing adequate mental health and medical services, and creating affordable housing.

TOUGH TIMES: Meanwhile, outgoing Planning Commissioner Rue Furch joins the ranks of the unemployed … On the River, when the going gets tough, the tough work at Safeway. Like Rio Nido contractor Stan Groth, who started in January. “I like the people, and the pay is good,” says Groth … Speaking of jobs, Dan Coshnear, author of the award-winning short story collection, “Jobs and Other Preoccupations”, is featured in this month’s “North Bay Bohemian”. “It’s nice to be recognized,” says Coshnear. He lives in Guerneville with his wife and two children.

WAR ON TERROR: The so-called “Guerneville Safeway Terrorist” called in sicko to work on Jan. 6^th and threatened to shoot everyone. Managers shut the down the store for four hours until the suspect, a 45-year old Cazadero resident and (presumably former) Safeway employee, was taken into custody …

Curiously, the suspect targeted his fellow employees instead of the evil corporate masterminds of Safeway’s diabolical plot to drive customers insane with ongoing price increases, out-of-stock items, and random product relocation. He reportedly sought revenge after a manager reprimanded him in front of coworkers. So WHY was he released on bail nine hours later? Sergeant KevinYoung from the Sheriff’s Department explains, “His fourth amendment rights allow him to make bail.”

MARCH ON WASHINGTON: Meanwhile, the Monte Rio School’s eighth grade class is raising money for their upcoming Washington DC trip. Julie DeCarly (Shelby’s mother) states, “We’ve got a jam-packed itinerary … It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” Plans include visits to the Smithsonian, White House, Lincoln Memorial, and other attractions. But first, they need $20,000 …

“We’re a third of the way there,” says Allison Van Rillaer (Jocelyn’s mother), thanks to a flurry of fundraising events, including a successful New Year’s Eve bash at Duncans Mills’ newly re-opened Blue Heron, which raised $1300. Owner and fourth-generation local Jaime O’Bryan says he was glad to help. Dinner music, champagne and a one-night’s stay at the newly refurbished Timber Cove Inn for the silent auction were provided by Ralph and Michelle Higgins, Korbel Cellars, and general manager Kurt Piccilo.

ACT LOCALLY: Chuck Ramsey from the Monte Rio Community Alliance has good news for those concerned about the immense and unsightly pile of rubble blocking the Monte Rio’s Park and Ride and the entrance to Starrett Hill Drive. The Department of Transportation has made good progress since the retaining wall collapsed on Christmas Day due to heavy rains. “The [concrete] forms are up and Starrett Drive should be open by the end of March,” reports Ramsey, muttering, “It’s been a real pain getting home on Starrett Hill.” Apparently, the only other entrance is so narrow that drivers are required to do a three-point turn to get in and out … Alas, with the Park and Ride out of commission, carpooling isn’t an option.

MISCELLANEOUS TIDBITS: Valentine’s Day approaches and love is in the air … Or perhaps it’s the usual herbaceous aroma wafting from Kaya, Guerneville’s purveyors of coffee, tea & medicinal marijuana. Efren Carrillo looks forward to “spending Valentine’s Day at the Russian River Rotary’s Annual Crab Feed. I look forward to seeing many of you there!” Local celebrity Vira Burgerman (the California Mermaid) has moved her hair salon to downtown Guerneville. Rio Nido will soon have an organic community garden, thanks to a persistent band of neighbors and the Russian River Parks and Recreation department. Guerneville’s Kings and Queens vintage clothing shop is about to break Memories that Linger’s record for longest going-out-of-business sale ever. Last month, the “Going out of business sign” was joined by a smaller sign announcing, “Gone for Jan. Back in Feb.” Guerneville writer Lynn Millar exclaims, “I love that! We’re going out of business but now we need a month off!”

Valentine’s Day: The ideal romantic Date.

Speaking of Valentine's Day, an assortment of local personalities personalities have graciously shared their ideas of the “ideal romantic date” with Russian River Monthly readers:

• Efren Carrillo, 5^th District Supervisor: I’m spending Valentine’s Day at the Russian River Rotary’s Annual Crab Feed! I look forward to seeing many of you there! [Eeek! He's lucky he's not married!]
  
  
• Pamela Tinnan, Pastor, Guerneville Community Church: My favorite date with Zack [her husband] was when we stayed in Point Arena. We were in the hot tub on the beach drinking a glass of wine under the stars & had a view of the light house.
  
  
• Peter Andrews, KGGV FM DJ: I’d want to be in Paris sharing a meal in a bistro overlooking the Seine River.
  
  
• Valerie Hausman, Events Director, Russian River Chamber of Commerce: A picnic with a blanket & a picnic basket on a nice Indian summer day, feeding each other fresh grapes & strawberries.
  
  
• Owen Edwards, Entertainment Columnist & KGGV FM D.J.: I’d start by giving a knitting lesson, move on to a candle-light supper accompanied by a 2004 Merry Edwards [no relation] Pinot Noir, & finish with a triple cheesecake for dessert.
  
  
• John Blair, Photographer, Blair Studios: For guys, the ideal romantic date is whatever makes our significant other happy.
  
  
• Russian River Rattina, local blogger and dilettante: Dinner with my husband at Bert Rangel’s restaurant, the River’s End in Jenner, with a view of the ocean and a gorgeous sunset. Alas, I have champagne taste and beer bottle pockets.
  
  
• Lloyd Guccione, Community Activist: How about Mr. Bush and Mr. Bin Laden shaking hands and showing off a really big hug for the telly sitting in a nice kosher restaurant?

Ooh, we desperately need a Middle Eastern restaurant around here which serves affordable Kosher/Halal cuisine with locally-produced, organic ingredients & a drive-through so you can grab your falafel & hummos on the run. They'll call it Abdul Bernstein's Arab-Jewish Cafe & establish a new trend with their cutting-edge barbed wire decor. Lovely. Oh -- watch out for those pesky landmines.

What’s going on in your neighborhood? Please email Elisabeth Parker with news, gossip and tidbits at RussianRiverRattina @ gmail . com